Seizing Success by Mary Key

Author:Mary Key [Mary Key]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: -
Publisher: BookBaby
Published: 2019-06-19T16:00:00+00:00

Action D: Say NO without the guilt

Some women are able to say “no” to a request or opportunity and feel good about it. “This isn’t the right fit for me” or “I don’t have the bandwidth right now—I hope you understand” are ways they opt out confidently. Others avoid saying “no” altogether because they don’t want to jeopardize a relationship or disappoint the asker. They may say “yes” and pretend all is well, even though they are feeling stretched thin, bad about the situation or even resentful toward the requester. This is where classic passive-aggressive behavior takes root.

Then there are those in between, who ponder whether they should fulfill a request or take on an added responsibility. They spend time weighing what they might do and doubt sets in. They say “no” in as respectful a way as they know how: “I can’t take this on right now” or “I’m sorry, I don’t have the time” are frequent replies. Upon saying “no,” there’s a moment of relief. Then, for many, guilt arises. The resulting rumination is as bad as taking on the request. Herein lies the conundrum of “when I say no, I feel guilty.”

So, what can we do to avoid the consternation and wasted time spent on guilt or regret? There are several steps you can take to address the aftereffect of saying “no.” The first involves finding clarity on why you want to say no. Have you thought the request through? How does the request support your priorities and goals or those of people you care about? Is this the best time to decide, or are you currently tired or feeling overwhelmed?

If you lack clarity in the moment, give yourself time. Tell the person that you would like to consider their request and get back to them. Often, we feel pressure to say yes or no on the spot. Take that pressure off yourself.

If you decide your answer to the request is no, think about how you can respectfully communicate that without over-explaining. My dear friend and mentor Katy had one of the best responses for this situation, one that I’ve used successfully many times. She recommended saying “Thank you so much for thinking of me (or for the opportunity). I’m going to pass right now. I appreciate your asking.” The underlying principle is to be kind and brief. No need to give excuses.

What happens next? Imagine that you’ve asserted yourself as described above, but now you feel guilty. You can’t stop replaying the situation in your mind. You start ruminating about what happened and put valuable energy into regretting what occurred. Dwelling on the past turns into a habit, a mental groove, or mindset that becomes automatic; you stop thinking productively and start focusing on things that you can’t change.

A useful strategy here is to acknowledge your feelings of discomfort, regret, or guilt. Next, find an affirmation that resonates with you like “It’s important for me to honor my decision to say no,” or “Saying no opens me up to other options.

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